It's a bit difficult for me to articulate, but over the past few years, I've noticed a habitual, or cyclical hardening of my heart. We've experienced loss and grief in ways that were unexpected and deep. Life as mama to a baby and now a toddler is busy and full and that's the nature of it. A nature that easily pulls me to indifference or an aloof heart. A head that says, "Yes, Lord, I know You're good. This baby is a gift from you, You are faithful and true." But a heart that doesn't always feel those truths deeply when I allow weariness to burden my heart to indifference.
I'm thankful that we don't look to our own hearts as a source of truth! And I also crave a heart that is overflowing with praise, a heart awake to the depth and generous stewardship I've been given to manage what is immediately in front of me, and awareness of the eternal significance beyond the to-do list. To walk through my life and what each day brings with obedience and joy, not just an attitude of getting through it. I want to praise Him as I clean the floors several times a day, refold the clothes that my playful toddler dumped out of the laundry basket in the spirit of imaginary play. I want to praise him as I make bread dough, prepare meals, check the mailbox, change diapers, fold laundry, wipe the counters, comfort toddler emotions, and tidy our home dozens of times during the day.
This heart attitude of praise is one that I feel more removed from, perhaps as a sort of self preservation in the wake of a pregnancy after loss. Whatever the reason, I know true heart awakening comes through the Spirit, through the Word of God, through prayer, and through godly community. All of these precious resources are things I can seek daily!
As we near this baby's arrival, my prayers are for more and more heart awakening. To be a woman, wife, mama who is quick to praise, attribute blessings to the Giver, and run to my King when I am, time and time again, faced with my own inadequacy and weariness in this life. My weakness and failure further amplifies breadth and depth of Christ's sacrifice for me and the way the Lord loves His children.
And the closer we get to holding this sweet baby in our arms, I want to feel the burden of the gift this little life is, that the Lord cares deeply for our family, and that He gets all the glory.
I've been adding bits and pieces to this post for the last several weeks. Birth, and the arrival of a beautiful baby feel so sacred and I want to do it justice with my words. I shared Cooper's birth story back in 2019, and Finn's birth story feels equally precious, but very different. Here we go!
I'm 36 weeks into this pregnancy, which is hard for me to believe. The second half of this pregnancy has flown by, and we are fully in the throes of preparing for the arrival of this little boy. I was texting my SIL the other day, telling her about my day, and she said, "You are definitely nesting!" Oh, yeah, that makes sense why I have this incredible desire to get things done.
I wanted to write out the specifics of a very special day, the day we met our little boy, before the details became fuzzy. Labor and delivery are truly incredible things; the way God designed our bodies to go through such an intense and wonderful process is amazing.